Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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