End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
