its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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