I cockslap morals
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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