and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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