I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
