I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
