Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize