Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
