I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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