it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
