just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
