I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
