I'm so fucking centered right now
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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