Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
