they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
