if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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