By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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