someone threw a dead crab at me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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