What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
