Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
