every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
