I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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