I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize