I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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