Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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