i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
