I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
