Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
