i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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