i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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