I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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