come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
