pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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