i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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