You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If I die, sorry about rent.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
