I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
they need to just BURY HIM!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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