I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Randomize
