I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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