Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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