I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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