I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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