I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
