sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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