for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
