im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
