She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
