i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
