in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
