my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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