oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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