Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
