Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
