I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
